Chuck and I started the year out with two interesting words: Subtraction and Surprises. Twelve months later let me tell you it’s been quite a ride.
Chuck has gone through this beautiful journey with the Lord about clarifying purpose and clearing processes. He has shared with me how the Lord keeps using the Subtraction word to reveal false props and calling him to a deeper dependence. Busy work has been replaced with discernment and wisdom.
For me, the Surprises word has been a tenuous journey, moving from dread and bracing for the worst, to a challenge that He has good for me no matter what I see, no matter the outcome. Then we started hearing prophetic words and scriptures about a new season coming soon.
Yes, Lord. Do it.
Sounds delightful, yes? Uhmm that’s a hard no.
We soon became ‘surprised by the subtraction’ as our comfort zones, our bank accounts and security blankets dwindled down to nothing. We prayed fervent prayers to quiet the raging fear in our hearts.
“Any time Lord. Just anytime you want to ‘surprise’ us with a new season, we are ready.” This became a daily prayer.
He had other plans. Doesn’t He always??
To be frank, I am releasing this testimony while I am still in the middle of the squeeze. God is trying to give us all an upgrade. He who has ears, let him hear.
During one of our morning prayer times, the Lord said, “I am trying to give you something.”
And I said, “What I need is money to pay my bills.”
In my spirit, I saw Him clear everything off my table, the Spicka bills, the GT bills, our kids’ needs, our retirement needs, and medical needs. All my little piles of needs, wants, and desires, He swept off with His hand and dropped this big word in the middle of the table with a thud.
“I am giving you Joy. And I don’t want you to confuse it with anything else, or have it attached to anything or anyone else.”
In a moment, in a way only the Spirit can reveal, I saw that joy had become what I could see or calculate or depend on. Joy was what I did, what I had, not a Person.
Because Holy Spirit is so smart and so sneaky, Chuck also began having separate revelations. God was changing his word to TRUST. He revealed to Chuck that his trust was high as long as bills were paid, he could do what he wanted, when he wanted. But when the bank account dipped, or sales dipped then Chuck’s trust dipped also.
The Lord showed Chuck his trust was in Chuck’s production, in our ability to save and steward, not the Lord. Ouch.
Before you say you understand, let me stop you with a little story to demonstrate real trust.
Chuck and I have been wonderfully trained in money management. We know how to trust God in finances, tithing, giving, and saving. We’ve done Dave Ramsey. We understand and practice Kingdom generosity. We have taught the theory of and actually given our 5 loaves and 2 fishes.
This was a next-level spiritual deposit. Joy for me. Trust for Chuck.
But before it could be deposited, we found out, everything had to be withdrawn.
We tried several money-making endeavors, only to have the Lord point to each one and say “no, no, and no.” We considered selling our cars or our house. The Lord quickly told us that these were His gifts to us. Our striving and finagling were not the same as Trust and Joy.
We wrangled with confession and repentance thinking God was displeased with us since our finances had dried up. With kindness, the Lord corrected us that we do not live under the law. No need for bartering or performance. He was for us. His goodness was still with us. All the visions of being in the promised land were still true. We were in His hands.
“Not by might. Not by power. But by My Spirit…” He whispered.
Then came another test. Our latest trip to Knoxville. As my friend Lindsey says, Oh Boy…
We needed gas money and food money for 10 days in Knoxville. We had $189 in our checking account. For reference, these trips usually cost us at least $1000.
To be clear this isn’t what we had left after all the bills were paid, this was after we called our creditors and said we couldn’t pay this month.
I asked the Lord, should we ask for help?
Because He is so funny, He took me to a house where I lived in 2002. He showed me a book I was reading. The Lord said, “Jana, you once said you wanted the faith of George Mueller and Hudson Taylor.”
I remembered the exact moment He referenced. Evidently, God remembered too. Weakly, I protested, “I do Lord. Still.”
“Well, those men had nothing and believed I would provide.”
So we headed to Knoxville with $189.
Ten days later, we praised the Lord for His kindness and generosity. We only paid for 3 meals the entire time. Without us saying a word, people offered, ‘Hey it’s my treat.’ Or, ‘I’m buying this time.’ That happens on occasion when we travel, but definitely not to this extent. Chuck and I marveled over the difficulty but the beauty of these gifts of Trust and Joy.
I am not sure if this is related, but before we came home to Florida, I had a disturbing dream about my oldest daughter. That is for another time, but at the end of that dream, I felt this deep weight fall down on me. It was a divine heavy peace.
I saw my table again. My little piles of needs and desires. With Joy still sitting in the middle of the table, and now this heavy blanket of peace, I realized I wasn’t afraid anymore. I looked at my own bills, GT bills, my kids, my friends, my future. All fear was gone.
I woke up and tried to explain all this to Chuck. In this sacred space, we felt like God gave us clarity for coming days.
A couple of days later, on a Wednesday, we drove to Florida, now with $72 in our account, enough for gas and snacks. We pondered Trust and Joy and this heavy peace. Chuck had an amazing phone call on the way home for an unexpected opportunity. We knew the Lord had divinely orchestrated this connection.
He checked email once home and there was an unexpected rebate on the way. Thank you Lord.
But Thursday morning hit and so did the old attacks. What do we do for Christmas for our kids? How do we get out of this hole we are in? What if the creditors don’t agree to deferment? Lord, help?
Then I received a message from a friend I don’t talk to that often. She did not know our situation. She simply said: I’ve been praying for you. I have a word.
Deep breath. I asked her to send it.
“Double down on trust. It’s trust or bust.”
Boom.
Chuck and I immediately began to pray and thank the Lord. “Lord You alone know and see all our ways. You stir your people to intercede. We will guard the deposits You have given. We receive Trust and Joy. We honor the peace You have given. We believe You more than our circumstances.”
All along these last 12 months, God has been so faithful in sending us encouragement, devotions, words from friends, memories of promises, and scripture that fed us like manna. Daily bread from the goodness of His heart.
What is the rest of the story? We don’t know yet.
This we do know.
Christmas has become very precious without the pressure of presents.
Joy and trust in God is not the same thing as security in money.
Every moment we must choose where our hearts will live, this world or the Kingdom.
Fear is a demonic toy that I don’t need to play with, tolerate, or live in anymore.
We are doubling down on trust. Not hunkered down in fear or resignation. But doubling down trusting the goodness of God. His everlasting love. His ability to change things in a moment. He doesn’t waste anything. I want His presence more than I want my delusion of security.
Our saga is to be continued… but I leave you with this from Luke 12. I received Luke 12 in May of this year. The Lord has directed me to different parts of that chapter over and over in different moments.
Be carefree in the care of God. We are going to Trust or bust.